The Journey

The stage is set.  The performers, meticulously selected for their roles, are waiting in the wings.  The house lights go down, blackout, the theatre is dark.  Stage lights go on and it is curtain time. Here I am, center stage with the spotlight directly on me and I am completely oblivious.  There is no script.  I set about my daily activities not realizing there's an audience just a few feet away observing every action taken and every word spoken.  The audience is comprised of all the heavenly hosts and rulers of the darkness.  Everyone, captivated by the events about to unfold on the stage,  looks on in eerie silence. I am startled by the entrance of another player from stage left.  Looks harmless, though.  We become engaged in conversation and I am carried away from the light and into the wings.  Fortunately, I am quickly snatched back to the stage by my children, but my eyes are now pee...

"God never made a promise that was too good to be true."  --Dwight L. Moody In preparation for dinner last night, I was busy setting the table, making plates, grabbing flatware and napkins.  My 4-year-old, Carlisle, asked me to change the television station to "her shows."  I said I would as I continued pulling everything together.  Within a few minutes, a very impatient Carlisle was back in the kitchen.  "Mommy, do you remember what you promised?  You forgot.  You said you you would change it to my shows."  Turning toward my anxious daughter, I replied, "Honey, of course, Mommy is going to do what she promised." As I was carrying the plates to the table, the Lord spoke to my spirit, "If you keep your promises to your children, don't you think I will keep mine?" Well, there you go...a tormented soul was instantly quieted. Numbers 23:19  "God is not human, that he should lie, not a human being, that he should change h...

Fox Network Photos My ex-husband (that would be hubby #1) told me shortly after we were divorced that he had a dream about me.  I have to tell you this dream has been haunting me for the past few days.  In the dream, he was standing beside this random dumpster.  When he peered inside, I was sitting in the middle of it rummaging through the garbage.  With tears in his eyes, ex-hubby said, "I just had this knowing that this was my fault.  I was the one who put you there."  This now brings to mind an episode of the 1997 television show Ally McBeal .   As the single, neurotic lawyer experiences a much-anticipated date turning into a complete disaster, she envisions herself being catapulted from a dumpster.  "Here it comes..."  I have found myself in the middle of a situation that has brought back that very same feeling.  The feeling of total abandonment.  Again, I find how easily I can be discarded....taken out ...

"Humiliation is the beginning of sanctification. "  --John Donne According to Dictionary.com, to humiliate is to "cause a   painful loss of pride, self-respect, dignity; mortify."  No doubt, everyone has encountered and even fostered this feeling.   I think back over relationships, romantic and not, in which I have humiliated and I have been humiliated.  Situations with good intentions, but in all actuality wrong motives, have brought about much grief and much humiliation. If you've ever felt lower than pond scum, you have felt humiliation.  I think people who experience it the most are those people who care the most, who love the deepest, who yearn for a closeness, for intimacy.  They put themselves "out there" the most only to draw back a stub.  They end up feeling uncared for, unloved, and like there is a gulf between them and the people they most want to touch or the group they long to be a part of.  Recent...

I'm sitting here counting down the minutes...time for worship.  I am amazed how my life has changed over the past couple of years.  There was a time in my life that I did not look forward to Sunday mornings.  I would lie in bed and think of any and every excuse not to go.  This morning was the same scenario.  Only this time, I had a reason to counteract even the thought of not going.  There is no question in my mind about whether or not I'm going.  (The question might be more of what in the world I will wear! Ha!) So, what's so amazing about that?  My heart aches this morning.  My soul feels empty, yet I know my Redeemer lives!  I have a mental picture of walking arm-in-arm with my friend, my confidant.  He is the One Who will never leave me, He will always come back for me, He chose me first.  And Oh, how He loves me! Why wouldn't I want to go worship Him? Psalm 84:2 "My soul yearns, even fain...

For the past 1 1/2 hours, I have been lying in my bed at the point of dozing off only to realize that I am still very much awake.  It seems as I'm just about to hit that wonderful dream state my eyes pop open.  The clock says it's only been 15 minutes since the last time I checked.   There isn't one thing in particular that has rendered me Sleepless in Holly Cove .  My mind has run through every possible scenario...everything that has happened, could have happened, and of course, probably will happen. This time of year once seemed so magical to me.  People were happier.  Every house or at least every other house on every block was decorated.  This year, however, hasn't really even seemed like Christmas.  I couldn't wait for the Christmas movies, music, decorations, and lights, lights, lights.  The same Christmas movies are being aired over and over.  Same boy meets girl.  Boy chases girl.  Girl pretends to resist....

reject   rēject  — vb:  to throw out as useless or worthless; discard So many times, I have asked, "God, what is it about me that I can be so easily discarded, so easily forgotten?"  I have often wondered what is it that I'm lacking?  That one thing that would make someone realize I was worth holding on to.  Worth an investment or the time to get to know the person I really am on the inside.  Or do they see that person on the inside and  that is the person that repels others.  Clearly, my love life has been disasterous, but relationships just do not come easily to me, romantic or not.  It is as if I'm right in the middle of the crowd, but yet, I don't really fit. Sometimes, rejection is God-ordained. Remember the story of Moses and the Isrealites. In Exodus 4:21, the Lord tells Moses he would do all of these miracles and wonders, "but I will make him [Pharaoh] stubborn and harden his heart, so that he will not let the peopl...

"Brittni, Brittni, look at me. Brittni, open your eyes. Open your eyes. Stay with me." Bright lights, in a corridor. Who's calling my name? Where are they taking me? So tired...so very tired. "Brittni, Brittni..." God, please, don't let me die lost... Lights out. In the waiting room, my husband and mother-in-law were briefed on the severity and emergent nature of my condition.  Consent forms had to be signed permitting a total hysterectomy if the physician's suspicions were true, suspicions of malignancy.  Also, he had to give consent for me to receive blood as I had already lost 3 pints.  The body contains only 8-10 pints so that was considered a significant loss.  My family had already gone back to their hotel, so they had to load those poor kids back up to the hospital for more waiting-room waiting.  When they arrived, I was already in surgery.  It must have been very difficult to deal with stress of uncertainty, occupy small children...

So, today, I am going to have a baby.  I know this little girl already though I was certain she would be a boy. She is constantly moving even now.  I finally get to see what she looks like. I wonder what color her hair will be.  I wonder what kind of mommy I will be... I slept off and on for most of the day.  The slow drip of the IV, the cool temperature in the room, and the lights perfectly dimmed made napping a pleasant experience. Until the epidural stopped working, that is.  The pain had gotten so severe, I began trembling uncontrollably.  There were audible people noises, but I could not concentrate. Then my Mother's beautiful face came into focus. My sisters appeared with my wide-eyed niece and nephew. The curious, yet serious young faces were a sight to behold! Bless them. Their Christmas morning excitement had been undercut by my 6:00 a.m. telephone call.  The evening was turning to nighttime as the whole dramatic scene began to unfold....

"Brittni, Brittni, look at me. Brittni, open your eyes. Open your eyes. Stay with me." Dim lights appear overhead as I am being moved through some kind of a corridor. I hear muffled voices and people are moving fast all around me. Who is calling my name? Where are they taking me? I feel so tired. I cannot keep my eyes open.  "Brittni, Brittni, Bri..." Christmas Eve is not at all magical when your home is turned into a secondary site for a terribly busy, very disorganized, and extremely tumultuous catering business. I used to tell my ex-husband the name of the business should be Chaos Catering. He laughed, but secretly agreed. This was not the first Christmas Eve I had to endure the turbulent scurrying of servers, bartenders, and chefs. Food flying on meticulously decorated fine silver platters, wine glasses hurriedly loaded into crates for transport, more food flying...and language that would make a sailor blush. (Sometimes, that was me. Ha!) This year was more d...

Inspired by Pastor Jeff Brady , Sermon of 12/12/10. Jeremiah 18:1-4 (NIV) "This is the word that came to Jeremiah from the Lord:  Go down to the potter's house, and there I will give you my message.  So I went down to the potter's house, and I saw him working at the wheel.  But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him." As Pastor Jeff opened his sermon with the reading of this scripture, I began thinking over various events in my life.  I saw my heart, totally and completely "marred in His hands."  Some scars came from things that I could never have been held responsible for; however, so many of the scars are from my own doing.  Angry, rebellious, deliberate decisions, choices.  Self-inflicted wounds  from condemnation and guilt. Many of those wounds came from taking responsibility for the actions of other people.  "Well, he d...

So, I sat down tonight with the intention of paying my respects to my Dad who would have celebrated a birthday today.  When I wrote the title, however, I felt the Lord turn me in a different direction.  He's telling me to literally rest in peace.  His peace... Often times, we become enveloped by the circumstances around us.  We look at the storm rather than looking to the One Whom "even the winds and the waves obey."  (Mark 4:41)  I have been so caught up in the wind and the waves that I thought I would surely sink.  I have felt as though my spirit has been literally gasping for another breath.  I have been treading water, bobbing for air.  During this time, I have discovered I want to run back to "fixes" of a former life.  I'm not necessarily referring to alcohol per se, but I'm referring more to the old way of doing things.  By that I mean, I'm trying to control uncontrollable situations, or trying to relieve an i...

Well, the past few days have been...interesting.  Through various unrelated situations, I've realized just how much I want to be validated.  That is to say, I want approval! Everyone wants to know they are liked or loved or valued.  I want to take this a step further, though.  Let's go a little deeper. I always thought "approval addicts" were those who couldn't do anything without applause.  If a good deed was done, it was more for the recognition rather than the act of kindness for another person and that may be true in that situation.  However, I have come to notice that I have let certain things in my life determine my worth, my effectiveness.  Today, I stand corrected! The first chapter of Ephesians tells us that God the Father foreordained us, even before the foundation of the world, to be His adopted child.  The amplified translation states  we were actually handpicked, destined, and planned "in accordance with the purpose...

I find myself at a critical juncture in my life.  Some things are changing.  Some things must change.  Some things haven't changed at all and may never change.  It's decision time.  I'm standing at the crossroads.  If I take this road, does it really lead to the place I think it does?  Is the destination real or is it a mirage?  Will I have to make another u-turn, more backtracking? So, let's go to Scripture:  Psalm 119:105   "Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path." Psalm 119:133 "Direct my footsteps according to your word; let no sin rule over me."  Proverbs 16:9 "In their hearts humans plan their course, but the LORD establishes their steps." Proverbs 19:21 "Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails." Okay, Lord, so where are we going? Lead the way...

a·ban·don   /əˈbændən/ [uh-ban-duhn] :   –verb (used with object)    –to leave completely and finally; forsake utterly; desert There is nothing worse than that feeling.  Lost, alone, scared, empty, worried, confused...all because of one act.  Abandonment. I went through a period of my life where I was essentially a "dead man walking."  Everything in life that I believed to be true, tangible, lasting had disappeared.  Poof!  The proverbial rug snatched from under me. Things I believed to be one way were suddenly another.  People that I was sure would be with me always were suddenly forever gone without so much as a glimpse back in my direction.  Nothing was real anymore.   It began to appear that life was nothing more than smoke and mirrors. The only way to survive was to learn the ropes.  I adopted a new motto from Hollywood's most famous "Blonde Bombshell". ‎"A wise girl kisses but doe...

I have been reading the book of Ecclesiastes this week.  Yesterday, I was struck by the passage found in chapter 7 verse 20:  "There is not a righteous man on earth who does what is right and never sins."  Did I just hear a collective sigh of relief?  What liberty that brings to a soul "weary in well doing!"  To me, it is a refeshing drink to a soul that longs to be holy, but continues to "sin and fall short of the glory of God." (Romans 3:23)  As many of you know, my husband and I are separated.  Before the separation, we lived in Atlanta (in very affluent neighborhoods) for almost 8 years.  We rubbed elbows with the well-to-do and all of our friends were successful doctors, engineers, Buckhead business owners, real estate tycoons, etc.  I was working downtown for a very large gastroenterology practice in a managment position with big-picture projects, not the day-to-day humdrum of a typical office, and the big-cit...

As we are thrust into the holiday season, we tend to become reflective.  Even though it is the season to be jolly and to think of others, we often have the tendency to turn inward.  No, this is not going to be a lecture on how we should ponder the true meaning of Christmas nor am I making a point to remember the Pilgrims and all they endured.  I do, however, want to remind you that no matter the circumstance, God is faithful!  I hear so many say, "Just what do I have to be thankful for this year?"  Let's go to scripture: "Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever." 1 Chronicles 16:34 "I will give thanks to the LORD because of his righteousness; I will sing the praises of the name of the LORD Most High." Psalm 7:17 "Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for mankind." Psalm 107:21 "I will give you thanks, for you answered me; you have become my salvation." Psalm 118...

So many of us are our own worst critics. Often times, we try to change things about ourselves that we believe to be unlovely. We set the bar so high that is impossible to reach much less surpass. Hollywood sets the standard, our family sets the standard, the people we attend church with set the standard. God Almighty IS the standard and He loves us the way we are. He not only wants us to be who and what He created us to be, but He will help us get there! Our Creator is ever molding and shaping us. That is, if we allow Him to. As I look back over the past several years, I see me...the chameleon. While it can be good to be able to adapt to your environment, it is not good to lose who you are in the process. When my husband and I separated, I came to terms with a very harsh reality. I had no idea who I was. What music do I like? What color schemes and what style of decorating do I like? How do I like my hair or what is my style of dress? For almost 10 years, I had someone ...

Mark 3:31-34 (NLT) Then Jesus’ mother and brothers came to see him. They stood outside and sent word for him to come out and talk with them. There was a crowd sitting around Jesus, and someone said, "Your mother and your brothers are outside asking for you." Jesus replied, "Who is my mother? Who are my brothers?" Then he looked at those around him and said, "Look, these are my mother and brothers. Anyone who does God’s will is my brother and sister and mother.” I have always had such difficulty with this scripture. As a mother and a sister, I cannot imagine going to hear my child or my sibling preach The Good News only to be dismissed like Jesus seemingly did to His family. I can almost hear myself saying, "and just who does he think he is?" However, I believe I now have a better understanding of what this means. Jesus was not so dismissive out of disrespect nor was He saying He did not love them. Only, God the Father and His will would take pr...

Over the past few weeks, I keep hearing the words, "fix your eyes on Me." I've noticed during my walk with the Lord that when He lays something on your heart, you can rest assured you will hear it more than once and usually from various sources. Such has been the case with this phrase. So, naturally, I am sharing this with you. This topic could actually make up an entire page rather than just a few paragraphs, but I can tell you for me, there are two very real reasons we should fix our eyes on Jesus: 1) To avoid temptations and 2) To resist doubt You know, in life, we are bombarded with so many distractions and temptations. Things come at us to entice and to allure us. Most often, we don't even realize we have lost our focus until we wake up one morning saying, "God, what is wrong with me?" or "How did I end up here, again? What was I thinking?" Matthew 6:22-24 (NIV) is recorded as, "The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes ar...

As you may know from earlier posts, I was very moved by Beth Moore's study, Jesus: 90 Days With the One and Only . The study really draws you into an intimacy with Him. The study enlightens you on the complexities and the very essence of Who He was and Is! During this study, I would sit on the floor with the study guide and my Bible while I completed the day's devotion. (I say devotion for lack of a better word. The lessons are short like a devotion, but the depth was often overwhelming.) At the end of each lesson there is a prayer. At that time, I would have my personal prayer time. I would imagine Jesus sitting on the sofa while I sat at His feet. These were very special times for me. I felt so very close to Him and that I could tell Him EVERYTHING...and I did just that. Upon completion of that study, I moved on to another, but my routine changed. Somewhere in all of the reorganization of my daily activities, I lost this very valuable time of sitting at His feet...

Have you ever met someone and instantly you were bonded to them for life? It felt like you've known them always? This is the case with my estranged husband's brother and his wife. They are like my own brother and sister. Even with all that has transpired over the past two years in my marriage, they have kept in touch and have continued to pray for us. So tonight, I want to share a very small part of their story... Gaston and Kynn Bilbo are phenominal people. They are very involved in their local church where they are faithful in tithes and offerings. They have literally fed the poor, visited the sick, and even visited those in prison. (We'll get to that in a minute.) I have seen this couple grow and mature in their faith by leaps and bounds over the past 10 years. Their growth spurt, if you will, has been an inspiration to me. Their hunger has made me hungry. Their excitement in the things of God has made me excited. They truly are contagious! Many years ago,...

So, I'm sitting here in the Columbus/Ft. Benning Airport waiting. Waiting, waiting, waiting...2 hours of waiting. As I look around, I see many others doing the same thing. Everyone handling "the wait" in a different way. Some people are eating. Some people are chatting it up with their friends or fellow wait-ers. One military guy is sleeping on the floor no less. I started thinking...as Christians, how do we wait? I'm not refering to waiting on our order at our favorite restaurant or a flight home or even in line at the grocery. How do we wait on the Lord? In my journey, I have had and still have long periods of waiting. Each time the wait has been worth it! The outcome has usually been different and better than what I had hoped or imagined! David tells us in Psalm 40:1 (AMP) "I WAITED patiently and expectantly for the Lord; and He inclined to me and heard my cry." Everyone has their own walk, their own journey, and their own times of waiting....

The past couple of months have been difficult. Nothing earth-shattering has happened, no tragedies. I have been looking in the mirror of my soul. I have seen some ugly things. These "things" always come up when I pray earnestly for a clean heart. I'm referring to heart matters such as envy, jealousy, bitterness, unforgiveness, pride, idolatry, even. It's the ugliness I see when I say, "Father, that I might melt into you!" You see in order to become one with Christ, He has to clean us up. He has to bring those unsightly things to the surface that we try to bury inside (all the while praying no one else sees them) in order for us to deal with them. This is The Refiner's Fire. The fire that burns out the dross to bring forth gold. That same fire referenced in Malachi 3:2 which states, "...He will be like a refiner's fire or the launderer's soap." John the Baptist foretells of Jesus' coming with "His winnowing fan...

In several of my earlier posts, I have referred to my spiritual death and resurrection. This post, however, refers to literal, physical death. I have been so close to death many times and I am only 34 years old. I know God has a purpose for me because Satan has tried his best to snuff me out! As a young child, I was sickly. I was never really diagnosed with anything particular, but I was just not healthy. A very weak and sensitive stomach caused many sleepless nights for me and my parents. I was pale and puny I suppose you'd say. My aunt had become so disturbed at one point that she began to interecede on my behalf. She had a dream in which an angel appeared to her and told her I would be okay. From then on, I was. I am. Even in my teens, I became ill with what the doctor described as "the beginnings of a stomach ulcer." That rocked on for a while because I was in a stressful situation, much of which I brought on myself through foolish decisions and actions....

As you know by now, I have two daughters ages 2 and 3. This month, they both began taking gymnastics at our local YMCA. Tonight was their second night of class, and they are having a blast, but WOW are we all tired!!! Afterwards, we made a few stops before going home. When we arrived, I helped Carlise, the older child, out of her seat and watched as she ambled up to the front door of our apartment. The poor kid moved as if each foot weighed a ton. I called out to her to be careful and to watch her step. She did stumble a little while making her way to her assigned spot where she stood patiently while I helped her younger sister, Reese, out of the car. The younger followed exactly in the older's steps. She ambled, she stumbled, she waited. I started thinking about our walk through life. We get so very tired. Our feet feel so heavy as we become overwhelmed with the cares of this life. If we listen,though, we can hear our Father calling out to us, "Be careful. Watc...

In life, there are so many choices...Where to live, where to attend church, what to eat, what to buy. The list could go on and on and on. The same holds true in your walk with the Lord Most High. You can climb higher heights and reach deeper depths. You can choose to remain in the infant stage never really growing or progressing. Some people even choose just the mediocre. Not too high because that's more responsibility. Not too low because they are afraid of what people might say, but the middle is just right for them. (Or so they think!) There is no middle of the road or riding the fence, though. The Bible tells us He will spew from his mouth those that are lukewarm. It is better to be all in or all out. Joshua 24:15 states, "...choose you this day whom you will serve..." So, you've chosen to walk with the Lord. You've chosen to keep His commandments and you know you will one day join the Heavenly Hosts in singing, "Hosana to the King!...

As a woman, getting dressed for the day can be a very meticulous process of matching the shoes, the earrings, even the makeup. It can be a frustrating process if, Heaven forbid, you have put on a few pounds! (Gasp!) It can be rewarding if you have managed to actually drop a few pounds! (Gasp, Gasp!) Getting dressed can literally set the mood for the day or even the entire week. So, I've been pondering if something can be so important to us in the natural, how important must it be in the Spirit realm? Jesus said to His disciples, "Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; nor about the body, what you will put on." Later He tells us the condition of our hearts determines whether or not we are considered "unclean." At an early age, I memorized the armor of God. That is, the helmet of salvation, breastplate of righteousness, belt of Truth, sword of the Spirit, and finally the shoes of peace. My 3-year-old has it down pat! I b...

If you have read some of my previous blogs, you know the death of my father had a huge impact on my life. The death of a parent is something you never get over, but you learn to live with. You can heal, you can grow, and then, you can find peace. Today, though, I remember my daddy's life... Ray John Barrington was born December 8, 1945 to Eddie and Clara Barrington. He was the second child, the older was Larry. Dad was born into a blue-collar family; his father a cop, his mother a homemaker. His brother Larry was an accomplished pianist who died at the age of 24 just before graduating from college with 2 degrees. My dad was 15 at the time and he carried the responsibiltiy of that death with him for many years. I think he even believed his parents blamed him in a way. So, my dad grew into a wild, reckless, live-for-the-moment kind of guy with no expectation of a long life, and certainly not a responsible life. God had a much different plan. A plan that would include a w...

At this stage in my journey, I am essentially a single mother of two beautiful girls, ages 2 and 3. My estranged husband still lives in Atlanta with no intentions of coming to south Georgia and I, of course, have no intentions of returning to Atlanta which to me is representative of Egypt. We have been separated for what will be two years on July 7th. From that time until this, Jehovah Jireh has taken care of His three girls! When I left Atlanta, I was on maternity leave for our second child. Reesey was 6 weeks old and Carlisle was 21 mos. (WOW! Looking back, I wonder how did I ever have the strength to do that?) I brought with me only what would fit in my Nissan Maxima. My husband went to rehab and we came home, home being my mother's. You might say we entered a rehabilitation program also. As you can imagine, there has been very little financial support and certainly no consistent support. In August, I had to resign from my position at a very large, very reputable gast...

Every morning I set aside time for the just the Lord and me. This is the time I take to study and to pray. The time spent varies, but none the less that is when I have an appointment with Jehovah. For the past few months, I have included Beth Moore 's study, 90 Days with the One and Only . This is an awesome look at Jesus' life, death, and of course, resurrection. The author takes only a few chapters and breaks them down verse by verse, parable by parable, scenerio by scenerio creating short, everyday devotions, if you will. It is so intriguing! I'm down to the last 5 or so days of the study. Jesus has risen, and the stone has been rolled away... Luke 24:5 records that "In their fright the women bowed down with their faces to the ground, but the men said to them, "Why do you look for the living among the dead?" Now the study is focused on those words in the literal sense. Jesus is risen, as well as other dead souls who were walking through the stre...