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Taking Out the Trash

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My ex-husband (that would be hubby #1) told me shortly after we were divorced that he had a dream about me.  I have to tell you this dream has been haunting me for the past few days.  In the dream, he was standing beside this random dumpster.  When he peered inside, I was sitting in the middle of it rummaging through the garbage.  With tears in his eyes, ex-hubby said, "I just had this knowing that this was my fault.  I was the one who put you there."  This now brings to mind an episode of the 1997 television show Ally McBeal.   As the single, neurotic lawyer experiences a much-anticipated date turning into a complete disaster, she envisions herself being catapulted from a dumpster.  "Here it comes..." 

I have found myself in the middle of a situation that has brought back that very same feeling.  The feeling of total abandonment.  Again, I find how easily I can be discarded....taken out to the dumpster without a glimpse back in my direction.  There are lots of variables, complications and even reasons why.  Every action can be somewhat justified; however, the feeling is still very much the same.  Dumped.  Dumped on.  Used.  Then, discarded.  Amazingly, the other parties involved feel better.  Mission accomplished.  A load was literally taken off.  I, on the other hand, feel like the load, the very load that was dumped.  "Ugh, I am sorry" was offered in a cold, detached manner.  The validity of the remorse is questionable, though. I was the one who was approached.  I even predicted the very outcome. 

Shame on them or shame on me? 

I do know of a certainty, this was planned.  It was a planned attack to bring about this feeling, to try to knock me backwards.  Ephesians 6:12 immediately comes to mind: 
"For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places."
Well, do you want to guess where I have been?  If you guessed my favorite sofa cushion, you are correct.  That is where I'll be until I can find rest, until I can overcome this dreadful feeling that seems to be part of my identity.  I have not for whatever reason escaped this same wretched scenario.  I will, however, rise from this and I will clear this hurdle.  I will be smarter, I will be more alert, and with God's help, I will overcome.

Ironically, even as I'm sitting here blogging, I find, yet, another trap is being set.  Another staging of events...another distraction.

So, if you are looking for me, you know where I'll be...at the feet of Jesus.

James 1:1-4  "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

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