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My Very Present Help

Photo by Nik Shuliahin
Overwhelmed is the best word I can think of to describe how I felt yesterday morning. I awoke hopeful but before 9:00 a.m. I found myself in an absolute state of despair which manifested itself physically. Anguish so great my bones ached, and I could picture the elephant sitting on my chest. Extreme fatigue threatened to completely overtake me as though to wipe me off the planet permanently. A blanket of hopelessness draped itself around my shoulders and I nearly buckled under the weight of sheer helplessness. In the words of David, "Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am faint; heal me Lord, for my bones are in agony."

Dragging myself to the shower so I could be somewhat presentable to pick up my girls from school, I stood under the hot water letting it warm my chilled bones. As I set about the task at hand, a song rose from my belly. A song I did not feel like singing, a tune I could barely carry, a melody forced its way to my lips and I began to sing loudly, For You have made me glad and I'll say of the Lord, You are my strength, my shield, my portion, deliverer, my shelter, strong tower, a very present help in time of need. Thankfully, I was alone in the house because singing is not a gift I have been blessed with, but seriously, strength came with praise. No, I was not immediately transformed, nor did I leap into a state of euphoria and break out in my happy dance (which would have been dangerous in the shower, anyways.) I did not hear the angels join in a melodious Hallelujah! chorus. My circumstances and situations did not miraculously change, but I did. My heart was strengthened, and a calming resolve replaced the blanket of despair. My new resolve was found in the words of Habakkuk 3:17-18. Come what may, "Yet I will rejoice in the Lord. I will joy in the God of my salvation." Yet will I praise Thee!

Hope was on the horizon; however, physically the effects of the stress remai
ned.

En route to the girls' school, fear gripped my heart and evil whispered in my ear I thought you said your God healed you from this! I responded aloud, "He did, He has, He is every day!" Earlier in the day, I had canceled my plans to attend a church ladies' meeting, but my sweet mother was not having it! She encouraged me to go knowing there would be ministering angels in attendance. As always, she was right! Crawling into bed around midnight, I realized I was still humming that wonderful music, but it was no longer a mournful battle cry. In a heavenly sneak attack, unspeakable joy and peace that passes all understanding had crept into my spirit and lifted my countenance.

You may be thinking...This is all so foreign to me. I have never prayed to God and I do not know how. In the heat of intense struggles of single parenting, debilitating illness, divorce, and death, my prayers were sometimes only tears in a quiet place. Other times, I would lift my head to Heaven and whisper, "Help." Mostly, my prayers are not eloquent or short, scriptural soliloquies, but more raw emotions and humble pleas for His guidance. He knows me; He knows my struggles. So, really it is pointless to be anything, but honest before Him.

Psalm 46:1, "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble."

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