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So, I did something today that I haven't done since I've been back home in Moultrie.  I decided to "do lunch" by myself. The time has come to accept I am no longer half of a couple.  I am alone, but now I am a whole person, again, or at the very least well on my way.  I had forgotten that little tidbit while living with my husband.  That is to say...I should have been a whole person sharing a life with another whole person...then, the two might have been able "to become one."  Only neither of us was really comfortable apart so we had two incomplete people trying to find what we were missing in the other.  Needless to say, it did not work.

Perhaps this moment of reality strikes today as the end of the week brings an end to another marriage.  This Friday, if all goes accordingly, I will sign a piece of paper that will in a split-second close the final chapter of the last 10 years of my life.  It is amazing how you can love someone so much that you proudly vow before God and everyone you know to love, honor, and cherish this person for the rest of your life only to sign it all way.  To say, this is the end, this is really over.

A love lost...killed by many love affairs.  Not to say, love affairs with other people.  The infidelity was actually with material things, lusts of the flesh.  Alcohol, affluent neighborhoods and acquaintances, keeping up appearances, facades, unattainable dreams because there was no drive or initiative to obtain those dreams.  The frustration of never being quite good enough, never reaching the bar, unrealistic expectations are what drinkers would call a buzz killer.  No joy, no life.

I used to say we were the best of friends.  Looking back now though I see that is an untrue statement.  He never really knew me because I couldn't be myself.  In truth, that is partly my fault for I never really showed him my true self.  Well, not in the beginning at least.  I became the person that I knew he would fall in love with.  For instance, I took interest in things that would otherwise bore me to tears.  I tried things that I would have and should have shunned.  I hung out with people I wouldn't have and went to places I would never have gone to if given the choice.  Then, when it was apparent that I didn't "fit in," I took it personally as if the flaw was mine...something must be wrong with me.  However, the problem was not that I was so flawed, but rather I was out of my element.  I had crossed over into a different life, a different world, a world I was never to be a part of.  I literally did not belong there.

Do not misunderstand.  There were good times, too.  I have friendships that have stayed in tact and I am still apart of his wonderful family just in a different way.  (For that I am thankful.  My kids have so many people who love them!)  We vacationed in some fabulous places and made wonderful memories.  We have two beautiful daughters that I can't imagine life without.  I will always love the man as their father, but he lives in that world.  I am back where I should be, back on track and making headway toward God's perfect timing and His perfect plan for my life and the lives of those two beauties.  

I am happier now than ever and I am secure enough to actually enjoy lunch out all by myself.  Who knew?
Oh, and by the way, Mr. Waiter, please stop pitying me.  I really am just fine. :)

2 Samuel 22:33 "It is God who arms me with strength and keeps my way secure."

Comments

  1. That was amazing....very breathtaking...God has truly given you a gift of ministry through writing....wow

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