Lonely nights can be cruel, but sometimes the morning can be much more so. In an empty house, it seems as though the sunlight is too bright, any noise, even white noise, is greatly amplified, moving about seems necessary and pointless all at the same time. The weight of the world that seems to be resting on my chest is now heavier than ever.
For those of you who have been following my blog, you know that I have been struggling with a matter for several months. It is still unresolved. God is still silent concerning the matter. Yesterday, I realized just how weary I have become over this. I am finding the mixture of emotions glued together like a huge ball, a knot stuck in my throat, is beginning to break down as I identify and label each individual emotion. When you can label something, pick it apart, you can better deal with the whole mass...divide and conquer. Deal with each emotion separately because each emotion is unique and a different plan of attack may be in order.
An empty house is a good thing when you begin picking apart emotions. Let me tell you, if anyone had been home with me yesterday morning, I might have awakened this morning in one of those crisp, white straitjackets! I found anger amongst the mass which is really not surprising to me knowing that anger is very much apart of the grieving process. What did surprise me, however, was that the newly identified anger was not directed toward a particular person nor the matter at hand. It was directed toward God...not a very comfortable place to find yourself. I yelled at Him.
The words that spewed from my lips, though, were very enlightening. God, why won't you answer me regarding this? Why are you ignoring me? Your silence is tortuous and tormenting. God, are you even listening? I envisioned myself with clenched fists beating a stone wall...a rock, The Rock. I know it sounds disrespectful and maybe even a bit sacrileges, but 1 Peter 5:6,7 tells us we can "throw the whole weight of our anxieties upon Him, for we are His personal concern." (Phillips) That is what I did. I gave Him my best shot! I threw the entire weight on Him with full force. Gasp! "You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar." Psalm 139:2 states He already knew what I was thinking. The wonderful part is that He helped me to identify the source of my frustration. Or at least one of the many emotions bouncing around inside of me. I do want to reiterate...I was not disrespectful to the Living God, only honest with Him and myself. The scripture in 1 Peter promises as we "humble ourselves under God's strong hand, in His own good time, He will lift us up." He rushed in with peace and calm and I felt a release inside. He did lift me up. Then, He began to teach me.
We often compare our relationship with God to our relationships with humans. What I was feeling toward God, the Lover of My Soul, was exactly how former, mortal lovers made me feel. Ignored. Neglected. Rejected. My estranged husband comes from a family where you don't discuss your feelings. Not your true feelings. If I was overcome with emotion about something, an appointment with the shrink was immediately, without exception, strongly suggested as was a glass of wine. There was never really a forum for discussion, never an opportunity to deal with matters which could have been easily resolved and quite possibly could have strengthened our marriage. Instead, the result was a breakdown and finally collapse.
Our relationship with God is not that way, though. He wants us to talk to Him, tell Him everything, unleash the full weight of our anxiety. Why? Because He can take it. Not only that, God is the only one that truly sees the whole picture. He knows all parties involved, all intents and motives, what's behind and what's ahead, what's good for us and what isn't. He can take the ugly and make it something beautiful. He can and will turn your mourning into dancing.
An empty house is not so bad, after all. You can cry or you can laugh out loud and no one will know. You can throw a tantrum or dance with all of your might. You can yell or sit in perfect silence. Who knew an empty house could be so full?
Isaiah 41:18 "I will make rivers flow on barren heights, and springs within the valleys. I will turn the desert into pools of water, and the parched ground into springs."
For those of you who have been following my blog, you know that I have been struggling with a matter for several months. It is still unresolved. God is still silent concerning the matter. Yesterday, I realized just how weary I have become over this. I am finding the mixture of emotions glued together like a huge ball, a knot stuck in my throat, is beginning to break down as I identify and label each individual emotion. When you can label something, pick it apart, you can better deal with the whole mass...divide and conquer. Deal with each emotion separately because each emotion is unique and a different plan of attack may be in order.
An empty house is a good thing when you begin picking apart emotions. Let me tell you, if anyone had been home with me yesterday morning, I might have awakened this morning in one of those crisp, white straitjackets! I found anger amongst the mass which is really not surprising to me knowing that anger is very much apart of the grieving process. What did surprise me, however, was that the newly identified anger was not directed toward a particular person nor the matter at hand. It was directed toward God...not a very comfortable place to find yourself. I yelled at Him.
The words that spewed from my lips, though, were very enlightening. God, why won't you answer me regarding this? Why are you ignoring me? Your silence is tortuous and tormenting. God, are you even listening? I envisioned myself with clenched fists beating a stone wall...a rock, The Rock. I know it sounds disrespectful and maybe even a bit sacrileges, but 1 Peter 5:6,7 tells us we can "throw the whole weight of our anxieties upon Him, for we are His personal concern." (Phillips) That is what I did. I gave Him my best shot! I threw the entire weight on Him with full force. Gasp! "You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar." Psalm 139:2 states He already knew what I was thinking. The wonderful part is that He helped me to identify the source of my frustration. Or at least one of the many emotions bouncing around inside of me. I do want to reiterate...I was not disrespectful to the Living God, only honest with Him and myself. The scripture in 1 Peter promises as we "humble ourselves under God's strong hand, in His own good time, He will lift us up." He rushed in with peace and calm and I felt a release inside. He did lift me up. Then, He began to teach me.
We often compare our relationship with God to our relationships with humans. What I was feeling toward God, the Lover of My Soul, was exactly how former, mortal lovers made me feel. Ignored. Neglected. Rejected. My estranged husband comes from a family where you don't discuss your feelings. Not your true feelings. If I was overcome with emotion about something, an appointment with the shrink was immediately, without exception, strongly suggested as was a glass of wine. There was never really a forum for discussion, never an opportunity to deal with matters which could have been easily resolved and quite possibly could have strengthened our marriage. Instead, the result was a breakdown and finally collapse.
Our relationship with God is not that way, though. He wants us to talk to Him, tell Him everything, unleash the full weight of our anxiety. Why? Because He can take it. Not only that, God is the only one that truly sees the whole picture. He knows all parties involved, all intents and motives, what's behind and what's ahead, what's good for us and what isn't. He can take the ugly and make it something beautiful. He can and will turn your mourning into dancing.
An empty house is not so bad, after all. You can cry or you can laugh out loud and no one will know. You can throw a tantrum or dance with all of your might. You can yell or sit in perfect silence. Who knew an empty house could be so full?
Isaiah 41:18 "I will make rivers flow on barren heights, and springs within the valleys. I will turn the desert into pools of water, and the parched ground into springs."
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