Okay, so here we go...Another hurdle, another confrontation with the past, my past. Time to silence another haunting. The only way to do so is to take it head on - turn around and face it, confront it, extinguish it. The "haunted house, " if you will--with no disrespect to the Lord nor the current House of Worship--the church I used to call my home church. The church where I spent my formative years, very crucial to the person I was then and even to the person I have become today, has haunted me for more than 10 years. I had heard the current congregation would be remodeling so I just had to go visit before all of the signs of a time before were gone forever. Memories...
Let me tell you how today's adventure began. For a few days now, I have been completely unsettled. Can't stay still, can't stay home. The kids are visiting their dad and the walls feel like they are closing in on me. Have you ever looked in the mirror and thought...What IS wrong with me? What is REALLY wrong with me? There is a feeling down deep that I cannot pinpoint, I cannot identify. I try the label, Emptiness, but my life and my days are quite full. I think, perhaps it is just Loneliness. Loneliness would make perfect sense giving my marital situation, but no. I am, in part, lonely I suppose, but that still doesn't seem to be an adequate description. Then, the light comes on...
GRIEF...painful regret as it is described by Dictionary.com. A time of mourning. Well, duh, you might be thinking. Divorce papers were signed this week. There is more, though. It is March.
March for me represents the birth of my first husband as well as the month we were married. My father died in the month of March and now I can add the finality of another marriage lost. On the upside, we do celebrate my mother's birthday this month, as well. Otherwise, I would just have to find a way to skip the month entirely. It really is no wonder that I am so sad on only the 8th day into a month that usually means Spring. Growth, new life, parties.
As my car creeps down the gravel driveway, my heart rate increases. A big knot forms in the pit of my stomach as Amos Lee belts out his tune, "out here on this raging sea about to capsize." I park near the group of pines and study the outside of the building. It looks much the same only the entrance way has been modernized with nicer double doors and a column supported, covered porch. The grounds look as beautiful as before, carefully cut and manicured. Isn't it odd, though, that a building, a man-made structure can hold so much inside? Memories, fears, questions, answers. Peace. Resolution. A place dedicated to healing. How fitting, how very appropriate. A peace and calmness settles over me as I sit in my car thinking, this isn't so bad. Now, I have to go inside. My stomach begins to ache again. Hunger pains masked with utter nausea. I approach the doors and as I open them, an involuntary gasp, almost to the level of a panic attack. I take a deep breath and the first step inside.
It is already so different...the loft where my dad used to man the sound board is gone. The light fixtures are the same as are the church pews which I am told will remain only temporarily. The nursery mirrored window is a solid wall. Thank God the paneling and green carpet are gone!
Silent tears stream down my face as I sit on the front pew and remember. You might be surprised to learn I played the bass guitar, was member of our mime/drama/dance team, and I even taught Sunday school in the early years. I remember the small congregation transformed into a packed house. Pastor, Prophet, Evangelist operating in full force, fasting and praying together for the ushering in of the Holy Spirit prior to Sunday services. Excitement in the air, excitement to be a part of something so awesome, a mighty move! Then, came the divorce. A separation, scattered sheep. A congregation comprised of people I had loved for most of my formative years...my family...gone.
You know, I never thought I'd step foot back into this building, but now that I have, I see that it is...just a building. I can conjure up these same memories from wherever I am at any given moment. It isn't the building that I miss so much. It is the people, some of whom have already been added back to my life, if only through Facebook.
So now, I can close another chapter for it is only a building, not a Haunted House. It is a building that now houses another thriving congregation with an awesome youth outreach program. Another close-knit family woven together as kindred spirits are, another flock guarded by another shepherd resides here, adding to the Kingdom. My home is on the other side of town with new memories, new experiences, higher heights and deeper depths. The Church, after all, is not a building, but rather a group of people striving for the same goal...to be like Jesus, to walk in His footsteps until His Kingdom comes!
Wow...looks like March did bring growth and new life, Joyful Life! :)
Psalm 95:6-8 Come, let us bow down in worship, let us kneel before the LORD our Maker; for He is our God and we are the people of His pasture, the flock under His care.
***Thanks to Youth Pastor, Andy Hall and Family Outreach Center (Pastor, Austin Glass) for allowing me access to their building and grounds.
Let me tell you how today's adventure began. For a few days now, I have been completely unsettled. Can't stay still, can't stay home. The kids are visiting their dad and the walls feel like they are closing in on me. Have you ever looked in the mirror and thought...What IS wrong with me? What is REALLY wrong with me? There is a feeling down deep that I cannot pinpoint, I cannot identify. I try the label, Emptiness, but my life and my days are quite full. I think, perhaps it is just Loneliness. Loneliness would make perfect sense giving my marital situation, but no. I am, in part, lonely I suppose, but that still doesn't seem to be an adequate description. Then, the light comes on...
GRIEF...painful regret as it is described by Dictionary.com. A time of mourning. Well, duh, you might be thinking. Divorce papers were signed this week. There is more, though. It is March.
March for me represents the birth of my first husband as well as the month we were married. My father died in the month of March and now I can add the finality of another marriage lost. On the upside, we do celebrate my mother's birthday this month, as well. Otherwise, I would just have to find a way to skip the month entirely. It really is no wonder that I am so sad on only the 8th day into a month that usually means Spring. Growth, new life, parties.
As my car creeps down the gravel driveway, my heart rate increases. A big knot forms in the pit of my stomach as Amos Lee belts out his tune, "out here on this raging sea about to capsize." I park near the group of pines and study the outside of the building. It looks much the same only the entrance way has been modernized with nicer double doors and a column supported, covered porch. The grounds look as beautiful as before, carefully cut and manicured. Isn't it odd, though, that a building, a man-made structure can hold so much inside? Memories, fears, questions, answers. Peace. Resolution. A place dedicated to healing. How fitting, how very appropriate. A peace and calmness settles over me as I sit in my car thinking, this isn't so bad. Now, I have to go inside. My stomach begins to ache again. Hunger pains masked with utter nausea. I approach the doors and as I open them, an involuntary gasp, almost to the level of a panic attack. I take a deep breath and the first step inside.
It is already so different...the loft where my dad used to man the sound board is gone. The light fixtures are the same as are the church pews which I am told will remain only temporarily. The nursery mirrored window is a solid wall. Thank God the paneling and green carpet are gone!
Silent tears stream down my face as I sit on the front pew and remember. You might be surprised to learn I played the bass guitar, was member of our mime/drama/dance team, and I even taught Sunday school in the early years. I remember the small congregation transformed into a packed house. Pastor, Prophet, Evangelist operating in full force, fasting and praying together for the ushering in of the Holy Spirit prior to Sunday services. Excitement in the air, excitement to be a part of something so awesome, a mighty move! Then, came the divorce. A separation, scattered sheep. A congregation comprised of people I had loved for most of my formative years...my family...gone.
You know, I never thought I'd step foot back into this building, but now that I have, I see that it is...just a building. I can conjure up these same memories from wherever I am at any given moment. It isn't the building that I miss so much. It is the people, some of whom have already been added back to my life, if only through Facebook.
So now, I can close another chapter for it is only a building, not a Haunted House. It is a building that now houses another thriving congregation with an awesome youth outreach program. Another close-knit family woven together as kindred spirits are, another flock guarded by another shepherd resides here, adding to the Kingdom. My home is on the other side of town with new memories, new experiences, higher heights and deeper depths. The Church, after all, is not a building, but rather a group of people striving for the same goal...to be like Jesus, to walk in His footsteps until His Kingdom comes!
Wow...looks like March did bring growth and new life, Joyful Life! :)
Psalm 95:6-8 Come, let us bow down in worship, let us kneel before the LORD our Maker; for He is our God and we are the people of His pasture, the flock under His care.
***Thanks to Youth Pastor, Andy Hall and Family Outreach Center (Pastor, Austin Glass) for allowing me access to their building and grounds.
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