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| Photo by: Timothy Eberly |
Driving down the
dark streets illuminated only by the occasional house covered in Christmas
glow, thoughts swirling in a merciless pattern, Christian artist wailing
ballads from the radio, with silent tears, emptiness enveloped me. My
children chatting amongst themselves in the backseat were oblivious to the
pain that was wrenching my inner being. If I can just hold it together until
the innocents go to bed, then maybe I can pour out. So, mustering all my
strength, I wandered through the evening busying myself with mindless tasks.
Iron clothes for school, cook dinner, clean the kitchen, walk the dog. Finally,
time to gather the kids, read the Bible, tuck them in after goodnight prayers.
I closed the door to the quieted bedroom. My game face begins to crack as raw
emotion flooded my being. Secret misgivings brought to light. Brutal honesty
erupted from my mouth, "God, why would you do this to me?" Too
many anti-Christ thoughts gushed out with such force my body trembled and
ached. Dry heaves overtook retching sobs. A complete outpouring spiritually and
physically. I was wrecked. Life became nothing more than long nights
and cruel mornings.
Through a series of events I found
myself sitting in a Wednesday night church service. I am not going to worship a
God who did not protect me, I thought. At the end of the service, I bolted for the
door and was headed home in a mad dash, but I returned on the following Sunday
and have managed to go more. Each time, leaving a little better than
I came. Do you want to know why? One by one, truth dispelled the lies
bombarding my mind casting down those thoughts that would oppose the living
God. More truth less lies. Reared in a Christian home, my faith has always been
a vital part of my life. Having such perverse thoughts about the only One who
has never failed me, terrified me. It scared me to death that I was capable of
believing and actually speaking horrendous, fallacious statements.
Back in the car
some days later, headed to another function with my babes, it startled me
to find myself so slumped over my shoulders nearly rested on the steering
wheel. The weight of all my circumstances had bent my posture to that of an
osteoporosis-stricken, elderly woman. An image of a palm tree formed in my
mind. Bending so far as to touch the ground yet swinging right back up to its
original height stretching toward the heavens.
Immediately, I
straightened my posture, rolled my shoulders back, and lifted my head in
perfect alignment. Come hell or high water, destructive winds, or torrential
rain, I may bend, but I will not break! I am reminded of Psalms 92:12,
"The righteous shall flourish like the palm tree: he shall grow like a
cedar in Lebanon."
By evil design,
things may come our way to shake our faith, to make us deny the love
of Christ, and even to question his existence. We must rely on the truth we
know. So, friends, no matter the weight of your circumstances, no matter the
depth of the pit or the degree of darkness you have found yourself in, I beg
you to come out swinging! Matthew 11:12 tells us, "...the kingdom of
heaven suffers violence, and the violent take it by force."
My dear friend said to me,
"Don't you dare give up, woman." Those words have been echoed many
times since that day. Now, let the same be true for you. Do not you dare
give up. Hold on with everything you have, dig your heels in, and come
out of your cornered position swinging Rocky-Balboa-style. You may
fall the minute you pull yourself up but get up again and again and again until
you remain fixed without wavering. Then, move in forward motion. You will
walk out of those debilitating circumstances emerging stronger, wiser, and
better than you ever were before. That, my friends, is a promise.
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