My previous blogs these past couple of weeks have revealed a wounded soldier, a weaker, less attractive side we hope others don't see. I'm not sure why the Lord has impressed upon me to be so open about things I'd prefer to hide, but His plan, His way, His will. So, while I feel I am still in the heat of the battle, I'm finding daily reasons for this particular trial. He is, almost minute-by-minute, step-by-step, uncovering His purpose in all of this.
For the past few weeks, I have been desperately seeking answers from God regarding a particular situation. As I have stated to Him numerous times, I was rocking along with my neat, little life when out of the blue, I wake up to find myself at this impasse. Quite a predicament, really. Some prayer times consisted mostly of, "Why, God? How, God?" Followed by another, "why, God? What now, God?" There was no voice from heaven, no trumpets blasting, no bright light of revelation. Only silence.
As the weeks have unfolded, though, my wonderful Savior, the Prince of Peace, my Confidante and Friend, has begun to show me glimpses of His plan in all of this. In that subtle, gentle way, He has been speaking to me about me. Showing me myself in the most loving, tender, fatherly manner. You see, before all of this began, I had what was either a vision or a dream of Jesus with a huge axe alongside a railroad track. He began effortlessly chopping the railroad ties. Huh, strange. Then came the trial, the all out war.
The most obvious assumption was all of this was sent by Satan to knock me on my keister, set me back, make me want to run and hide, or just to cause pain. Pain enough to make me angry with God, perhaps. If that was the plan, I'm so thankful to say, it backfired. All this quandary did was make me run to Him.
In all actuality, I believe this all came about straight from heaven with multiple purposes in mind. As I stated, I have been in constant prayer which can only be a good thing. I feel He is fine tuning my ears to His voice. "...And his sheep follow him because they know his voice." (John 10:4) The struggle with the feelings of abandonment needed to be addressed. More wounds, though partially healed, did not need to be ignored. Bandages are only good in the beginning of the healing process. Eventually, you have to uncover the wound for final healing to take place. I think, thus far in this trial, I had the most stunning revelation this morning.
Lying in my bed, I began to weep. The tears seem to come so easily these days. Falling droplets present themselves with not much thought or effort. After only a moment, I felt the response from above: What are you really crying about? Pause. What? You mean, the pain isn't really over the focus of the last few weeks of prayer and lamenting?
Then enters the clarity. Thank you, God, for clear vision. Yes, the things that transpired to bring me down hurt me. However, that cut was superficial. It may have put a dent in my armor, but the intent was to reveal the gaping hole that had never been mended. A weak spot, a vulnerable point. It was hidden in the corner of my heart, tucked away where no one could see, not even me. The culprit, the loss of a long-term, romantic relationship many years ago. The relationship was very complicated and so it was kept quiet, shared with only a couple of very close, very discreet friends. The friendship side remains and this person will forever be dear to me; however, I did not realize until recently I had never really mourned the loss of the relationship because in order to survive, I rationalized its demise. Now, it is time to cut ties. Eureka! The aha! moment. He is cutting the ties, the ties to my past. The baggage, the weight lifted.
How comforting to know that we cannot hide anything from God. He sees it even when we cannot. In his loving kindness, He brought light to the dark corners of my heart, my soul.
Now, healing can take place.
Job 12:22 "He reveals the deep things of darkness and brings utter darkness into the light."
For the past few weeks, I have been desperately seeking answers from God regarding a particular situation. As I have stated to Him numerous times, I was rocking along with my neat, little life when out of the blue, I wake up to find myself at this impasse. Quite a predicament, really. Some prayer times consisted mostly of, "Why, God? How, God?" Followed by another, "why, God? What now, God?" There was no voice from heaven, no trumpets blasting, no bright light of revelation. Only silence.
As the weeks have unfolded, though, my wonderful Savior, the Prince of Peace, my Confidante and Friend, has begun to show me glimpses of His plan in all of this. In that subtle, gentle way, He has been speaking to me about me. Showing me myself in the most loving, tender, fatherly manner. You see, before all of this began, I had what was either a vision or a dream of Jesus with a huge axe alongside a railroad track. He began effortlessly chopping the railroad ties. Huh, strange. Then came the trial, the all out war.
The most obvious assumption was all of this was sent by Satan to knock me on my keister, set me back, make me want to run and hide, or just to cause pain. Pain enough to make me angry with God, perhaps. If that was the plan, I'm so thankful to say, it backfired. All this quandary did was make me run to Him.
In all actuality, I believe this all came about straight from heaven with multiple purposes in mind. As I stated, I have been in constant prayer which can only be a good thing. I feel He is fine tuning my ears to His voice. "...And his sheep follow him because they know his voice." (John 10:4) The struggle with the feelings of abandonment needed to be addressed. More wounds, though partially healed, did not need to be ignored. Bandages are only good in the beginning of the healing process. Eventually, you have to uncover the wound for final healing to take place. I think, thus far in this trial, I had the most stunning revelation this morning.
Lying in my bed, I began to weep. The tears seem to come so easily these days. Falling droplets present themselves with not much thought or effort. After only a moment, I felt the response from above: What are you really crying about? Pause. What? You mean, the pain isn't really over the focus of the last few weeks of prayer and lamenting?
Then enters the clarity. Thank you, God, for clear vision. Yes, the things that transpired to bring me down hurt me. However, that cut was superficial. It may have put a dent in my armor, but the intent was to reveal the gaping hole that had never been mended. A weak spot, a vulnerable point. It was hidden in the corner of my heart, tucked away where no one could see, not even me. The culprit, the loss of a long-term, romantic relationship many years ago. The relationship was very complicated and so it was kept quiet, shared with only a couple of very close, very discreet friends. The friendship side remains and this person will forever be dear to me; however, I did not realize until recently I had never really mourned the loss of the relationship because in order to survive, I rationalized its demise. Now, it is time to cut ties. Eureka! The aha! moment. He is cutting the ties, the ties to my past. The baggage, the weight lifted.
How comforting to know that we cannot hide anything from God. He sees it even when we cannot. In his loving kindness, He brought light to the dark corners of my heart, my soul.
Now, healing can take place.
Job 12:22 "He reveals the deep things of darkness and brings utter darkness into the light."
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