Lose the Drama, Mama

Photo by Renee Daughtry Photography

My chin began to quiver as tears threatened to spill from my eyes when a memory tapped on my heart's door this morning. This was not a proud mommy moment and it is not one I have ever recounted to anyone, but this was a defining moment that changed my outlook on parenting and on myself as a mother.

Some of the details of this particular night escape me as several years have now passed. I remember it to be a night like most in which we were going about our usual nightly routine before bed. I tucked both girls in and turned off the lights. I know I was quite annoyed by something though I cannot remember exactly what happened. What I do remember is closing the door and making the off-hand comment, "Well, do it yourself, then. You certainly don't need me. I don't know why I even bother." I left the room and continued the tasks to be tended to before I crawled into bed.

After a half-hour or so, the door to the girls' room creaked open and my little 5-year-old blondie sprang from the darkness and thrust herself toward me nearly knocking me backward. With tears streaming down red, puffy cheeks, she clung to my legs so tight she could have stopped the blood flow. In the tiny people vernacular that softens the letter R and replaces the letter L with a W, she cried in that oh so sweet, tiny voice, "Mommy, I wuv u with all my heart. Pwease don't weave me." My oldest, with big blue eyes sparkling with tears, still sat perched in her bed not wanting to break the rules, but desperately pleading for forgiveness and promising perfect behavior for the rest of her life.

Ugh! The meaningless words spewed out of frustration were a weighted, viable threat to the five and six-year-old who had spent the last half-hour in devastation and fear that their mommy was going to leave them. I honestly do not know which felt worse, the guilt that my careless words had brought fear or the absolute shame of just blowing off steam without thought to the collateral damage. Shame on me. Pushing those feelings aside, I covered them with hugs and kisses and my own promises of stellar behavior going forward. 

Listen, Mama, I hear ya. Been there, for many years by myself, in survival mode. Yes, there are messy days. Yes, there are super long days. Yes, there are stressful days and days that it is difficult to hold it all together. Yes, yes, yes, but typically it is one day or maybe one week, or even one season. To a child, it can be that one wound that does not heal, that one traumatic moment that makes them fearful of abandonment, that one word or sentence(s) that changes their behavior, their attitude, the way they see themselves or others. 

Today, I had a wonderful day shopping with those half-grown girls who are now 12 and 14 and I could not be prouder of the young ladies they have become. Out of curiosity, I asked them if they remember that night. They do very vividly, but they will tell you I have kept my word. Though I have often explained our home is not a democracy, but rather a monarchy where I am Queen, I will do my best to never be a Drama Queen with those precious hearts!

I still have those days when I feel lost in all of my identities. I am mother, wife, daughter, sister, aunt, dance mom, chef, chauffeur, housekeeper, mom to two fur babies, friend, co-worker, and so on. I have learned to keep in mind that my true identity is Daughter of the King. In Him, I find grace and mercy, wisdom, strategies, instruction, and balance. This is the place that all of the identities are stripped away and I am me before my maker hiding under the shadow of His wings. I am restored, renewed, and strengthened. 

Proverbs 31:25, "Strength and dignity are her clothing and her position is strong and secure; And she smiles at the future."