Self-Discovery

Photo by: Mark Basarab

Have you ever wondered what makes you, well, you? What inspires laughter and what induces tears? How can something so trivial cut so deep or how such a minuscule gesture can warm your very soul? What makes your whole day bright and what can make for a stormy week? Those things that make your blood boil versus the action or person that can set you perfectly at ease? What makes you strong? What makes you weak? What gives you security rather than anxiety or confidence rather than inferiority? 

I have questioned many of these emotions as the past few months have felt like a spiritual pruning, a stripping away. During the process, emotional and spiritual layers have been peeled back to reveal a person I do not like. A person I do not want to see. A person that I had hoped no longer existed. My heart doors slammed shut as fast as a security gate at the threat of a robbery and closed with a seal as tight as that of a bank vault door. The walls that had slowly lowered over the past few years found old familiar ground on which to erect themselves yet again. I began seeing glimpses of the person I once was...old habits, old defense mechanisms, old perceptions. As our Father is multifaceted, it comes as no surprise that the pruning occurs during a time of waiting for the fulfillment of a promise.

If you have ever waited for the unveiling of a prospect or dream with the anticipation of a child longing to open a gift wrapped in the most beautiful gold paper and colorful ribbon, you understand the questions that bombard your mind during the torturous wait. Is there something I am doing or not doing that has somehow halted or even stopped the progress? Am I good enough or smart enough or tough enough to see this through? This morning as I went searching for answers, I found great comfort in Romans 9.  At the end of the chapter, the Apostle Paul was referring to Israel's unbelief when he wrote:

“What then shall we say? That Gentiles, who did not pursue righteousness, have attained to righteousness, even the righteousness of faith; but the people of Israel, pursuing the law of righteousness, has not attained to the law of righteousness. Why? Because they did not seek it by faith, but as if it were, by the works of the law. For they stumbled at that stumbling stone.” 

You see, the people of Israel were still striving for righteousness by imposing the law from which Jesus set us free. The Amplified translation tells us they were “relying on the merit of their own works instead of their faith.” In the same way, I have enslaved myself to expectations of my own making thinking that I, little ole me, could somehow thwart God's plan for my life. What arrogance to think that I somehow surprised God with my less than impressive walk of faith and that He did not already know the events that would transpire before His whole plan came to fruition on earth! He is not trying to catch up with me and haphazardly putting out fires along the way. He is already at the end, guiding my every step, beckoning me toward Him.

In the dawn of this spiritual awakening that I believe will continue to manifest itself in deeper and higher ways in the days to come, I challenge you, friends. How about we stop pursuing being enough, having enough, doing enough, striving enough? What if, instead, we start pursuing Jesus. Just Jesus. True relationship, real trust. I bet we will find that in our pursuit of Him we are enough, we have enough, and we do enough...we are complete in Him. We will not change His plan for us, but rather we will melt seamlessly into God's design without all the U-turns and do-overs. We will move forward in a steady, unyielding, I-am-not-going-backwards motion toward the prize.

So, here it is amid turmoil, a discovery of self emerges. The unfolding has revealed there is still much work to be done, but in the discovery of Him, comes the revelation that there is no expectation for the work to be accomplished by me. The only expectation is the presentation of a willing, trusting vessel. Jesus has already done the work and I am ever discovering the depth of His love for me.

Romans 8:38, "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."