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| Photo by Jamez Picard |
Of late, I have struggled with some things I could not understand and found myself being critical, judgmental, and jumping to cruel and inaccurate conclusions. The realization that love really does cover a multitude of sins hits me like the proverbial ton of bricks as an experience I had a few years ago forges its way to the forefront of my mind. Every time I recount this encounter with my Savior, I feel true love squeeze my heart in the way only He can.
As I was walking through my apartment in the middle of the day engulfed in glorious silence, busy with the daily household chores, an audible voice spoke quietly in my ear. "You don't tell Me you love Me." Ahem...."Sure, I do," I responded defensively. Why do we in all our humanness ever argue with our omnipotent Creator? Anxiously, I began scrutinizing my prayers for exculpatory evidence to present but found none. Thank you, Lord for your many blessings. Thank you for your goodness and mercy. Lord, You are holy. Lord, You are worthy. There is none like You, Lord....and so on. Guilty.
So, I began the conscious effort of inserting those words into my prayers every day. What painstaking effort it took to utter that most common phrase to my Savior, who has brought me so far, the One who gave His life for me, the One who loves me unconditionally, in spite of myself, in spite of what others say or think about me, the One who knows me intimately and loves me just as I am. Why is it so hard to declare those three little words to Him who loved me first? I was completely oblivious to the fact that I was avoiding this emotion entirely until I could not even speak the words.
Fast forward sometime later in that same apartment while tucking my sweet babies into bed and listening to them say their sweet, bedtime prayers, I hear the same kind voice nudge me. "You aren't teaching them to say I love You to Me, either." No need to argue, I have already learned this lesson. Though uncomfortable, the time has come to explore and to correct this deep-seated issue that has not miraculously resolved itself as I hoped it would.
Without question, my earthly father genuinely loved my sisters and me. However, there was a line which once crossed brought major repercussions and extreme difficulty in regaining favor. This type of relationship cultivated fear-- fear of rejection, fear of disappointment, fear of punishment--and a need to please. Those same emotions spilled over into my adult relationships, romantic and otherwise. Meaningless relationships, one-sided friendships, shallow and unfulfilling pursuits, and two failed marriages later, have created this person. A person so ensconced in self-preservation she stumbles around the words and the feelings that brought her two children into existence and sustains the three of us as we navigate the single-parent world in which we live. These beautiful daughters of mine watch, listen, and learn about their Savior from a woman who cannot allow herself the luxury of what feels like a reckless emotion with the One about whom she teaches IS love. But why?
Without question, my earthly father genuinely loved my sisters and me. However, there was a line which once crossed brought major repercussions and extreme difficulty in regaining favor. This type of relationship cultivated fear-- fear of rejection, fear of disappointment, fear of punishment--and a need to please. Those same emotions spilled over into my adult relationships, romantic and otherwise. Meaningless relationships, one-sided friendships, shallow and unfulfilling pursuits, and two failed marriages later, have created this person. A person so ensconced in self-preservation she stumbles around the words and the feelings that brought her two children into existence and sustains the three of us as we navigate the single-parent world in which we live. These beautiful daughters of mine watch, listen, and learn about their Savior from a woman who cannot allow herself the luxury of what feels like a reckless emotion with the One about whom she teaches IS love. But why?
By comparison, I have made God human, I have made God small, and I have made Him fallible. God is my Father, but not my earthly father. God is the One who knows everything about me. He is my confidante, but He is not that friend who betrayed my trust. God is my provider, the one I look to for help with decision-making, the lover of my soul, the head of my home as I am now single. Therefore, God fills the husband vacancy, but he is not my ex-husband or an old boyfriend though I have clearly put Him in that very small, very human box. Trouble trusting human equals trouble trusting God. Difficulty embracing humans equals difficulty embracing God. Unwillingness to surrender to this human emotion equals unwillingness to surrender to the love of God Almighty who IS love.
On this mental journey, I began to analyze my relationships with the people in my life and I have found my expectations are high, but my grace, is not always sufficient. I love them, I need them, I expect more of them, but do I cover them with the same love I expect to receive from them and the perfect love I receive from my Father who IS love?
Help me, Lord, to first embrace the love you have for me and to accept your gift of love and welcome you into those off-limits places from which I have kept you. Then, Father, help me to in-turn love as You love and to see others as You see them. I long to glorify You through my actions, to be Your hands extended, a conduit of Your grace, mercy, and love. Help me to love them as You love me...endlessly, selflessly, and tenderly with no strings attached.
If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn't love others, I would be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God's secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn't love others, I would be nothing. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but, if I didn't love others, I would have gained nothing.
1 Corinthians 13:1-3
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