This morning I am writing from a very dark, very lonely, very painful place. David writes in Psalm 55:4, "My heart is grievously pained within me..." For 2 1/2 years after returning home from Atlanta, I have been shielded. My heart had a barrier, my eyes had blinders, my ears were covered from anyone and anything except the Lord. I was in deep pursuit of all that is holy and He restored me, healed me, set my feet on the right course. However, the past 6 months, I'd say, I have felt like that shield was lifted and fiery darts have been thrown from every direction. Temptations, curiosities, longings, have come to pull me away, to drag me to certain death. Death of spirit, death of heart, death of mind. I told my close friend only a few days ago, I would rather be dead inside than to feel like I feel at this very moment.
You see, the enemy laid a trap for me and I jumped right in with both feet. Blindsided, again. I fell and I fell hard. I have most certainly come under a severe attack with threats of more. Even this blog that I know God ordained and anointed, has been attacked. I do not grieve for myself , though. I am all too familiar with this emptiness, devastation and great, great loss. I am not fearful of man's attempt to destroy for I know what His Word says with regard to that matter. But, even as I write, I weep for those whose lives have felt the effects of such decisions. Collateral damage. Heartache. My family, another family, my pastors, another church family, my closest friend, lives interrupted.
More importantly, though, is I have grieved The Holy Spirit. For that, I cannot make excuses. There is no justification; however, there is so great a mercy. He is so gracious to forgive. Even now it occurs to me, that is what we celebrate this Easter weekend. His love, His mercy, His forgiveness of sin. I find great comfort in Ephesians 2:3-5, "All of us used to live that way, following the passionate desires and inclinations of our sinful nature. By our very nature we were subject to God’s anger, just like everyone else. But God is so rich in mercy, and he loved us so much, that even though we were dead because of our sins, he gave us life when he raised Christ from the dead. (It is only by God’s grace that you have been saved!)
So what now, I ask? Where do I go from here? I'm going up... higher heights.
Psalm 32:1 "Oh, what joy for those whose disobedience is forgiven, whose sin is put out of sight!"
You see, the enemy laid a trap for me and I jumped right in with both feet. Blindsided, again. I fell and I fell hard. I have most certainly come under a severe attack with threats of more. Even this blog that I know God ordained and anointed, has been attacked. I do not grieve for myself , though. I am all too familiar with this emptiness, devastation and great, great loss. I am not fearful of man's attempt to destroy for I know what His Word says with regard to that matter. But, even as I write, I weep for those whose lives have felt the effects of such decisions. Collateral damage. Heartache. My family, another family, my pastors, another church family, my closest friend, lives interrupted.
More importantly, though, is I have grieved The Holy Spirit. For that, I cannot make excuses. There is no justification; however, there is so great a mercy. He is so gracious to forgive. Even now it occurs to me, that is what we celebrate this Easter weekend. His love, His mercy, His forgiveness of sin. I find great comfort in Ephesians 2:3-5, "All of us used to live that way, following the passionate desires and inclinations of our sinful nature. By our very nature we were subject to God’s anger, just like everyone else. But God is so rich in mercy, and he loved us so much, that even though we were dead because of our sins, he gave us life when he raised Christ from the dead. (It is only by God’s grace that you have been saved!)
So what now, I ask? Where do I go from here? I'm going up... higher heights.
Psalm 32:1 "Oh, what joy for those whose disobedience is forgiven, whose sin is put out of sight!"
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