If you had to choose one word to
describe yourself, what would it be? Only a few months ago, my word would have
been gray. The same word used to describe ashes or overcast skies. I woke up
with the new year realizing I had taken up residence in a perpetual state of
nothingness. Merely existing. Barely walking, barely talking, barely
breathing, no identity. I was melting into the gray walls of
life. Going through the motions, but dying from the inside out.
Two failed
marriages and a brief, yet destructive relationship later, my prayer was to not
become entangled in another relationship, romantic or otherwise, that was
not a divine connection. I prayed, do not let anyone cross my path lest you send
them. For years, it
seemed as though that prayer had been answered until I found myself at the end
of another it-wasn't-what-it-seemed and how-could-I-be-so-blind
misadventure. The shiny apple with a rotten core. This time instead of
shouldering all the blame as was typical, I lashed out at the One who
could have prevented the entire situation. He, who was supposed to be
my protector and my defender, had surely failed me. The proverbial carrot
dangled in my face and snatched away about the time I was finally letting my
guard down felt like a very cruel joke at my expense. Years of struggling to
keep my head above water in many areas of my life left me feeling betrayed, and
quite frankly, forsaken by my Creator. Devastation draped itself
around me. My entire faith foundation began crumbling to the point of
questioning the existence of my risen Savior.
Many things
transpired over the following weeks with several small aha!
moments that helped me regain strength and equilibrium. My defenses began
to lower as I attended church more often. During one such service, the choir
was singing a familiar ballad about self-sacrificing, laying down every desire,
every dream, every plan in exchange for God's ultimate plan. That was no
problem for me to sing because we know God's plan is always greater than our
own. However, I completely froze when we reached the verse that begins with,
"Take my heart..." The words would not come out of my mouth. Reality
moment. I had no problem trusting God with my life but trusting Him with my
heart was another matter entirely. Indeed, there was much work to be done here.
Out of ignorance, we often pray what we think are
humble, noble, or even righteous prayers that are contradictory to scripture or
even to the very nature of God. As in my case, those naïve prayers
were coming from a place of fear. Fear of hurt, fear of rejection, fear of
abandonment, fear of making a mistake, fear of disappointment, and so on. The
scripture is noticeably clear. Weapons will form. So, rather than
praying for the weapons (problems, hardships, traps, etc.) not to
form, we should pray for wisdom to recognize the calamitous agenda,
discernment to identify the intended purpose for which it was sent,
and the strength to not succumb, but rather to foil the enemy's plan
against us.
Everything that comes
our way ultimately has a divine purpose behind it. The life lessons,
hardships, all-out attacks against us will work something in us, work
something out of us, or strengthen our spiritual muscles, grow our faith,
and heighten our level of trust. Be assured no matter how bad it
seems, no matter how bleak your situation, or how gray your life has
become, all things will be turned around for your good and the sun
will come out on your circumstances. (Romans 8:28)
I leave you
with the words of Jesus found in John 16:33, "In this world, you will
have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
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