When it comes to relationships,
the struggle has been real for most of my life. Blindly walking into trap after trap
after trap of deception and lies, damaging and painful patterns have thrust me
into long periods of utter brokenness because I was not careful or
even selective with whom I shared my heart. I could always find something good
in that person. I could see their potential and I was going to be the one who
would help them tap into that greatness. The innermost cry for love, affection,
and acceptance muffled the voice of wisdom screaming in my ears. The result was
a ravaged, tattered heart lost in fathomless depths of loneliness and
despair and a cavernous, hollow soul.
Photo by: Jude Beck
These are not only
romantic relationships to which I refer. "Friends" who wanted to
spend time with me when there was no one else available or "friends"
who could not understand why I was such a weakling or “friends” who found subtle
ways to point out my lowly status so their status would seem elevated. I truly battled
feelings of hate for such people and wrestled with an even deeper loathing for
myself because I continued in this destructive pattern. It is highly likely your story is riddled with
pain like mine or perhaps even greater than I have endured. We should recognize
these are the types of wounds that shake us out of those patterns, make us into
better people, or cripple us, and we never move forward. We stay stuck
like the man at the pool of Bethesda blaming everyone else for our handicap state.
More importantly, we can allow these struggles to either bring us into more intimacy
with our Lord or undermine the work He wants to do in our lives.
This may seem like a stretch to
think our personal, human relationships can affect our spiritual walk with our
Savior. So, I am inviting you into the very private corners of my heart as a
living illustration. A few months ago, as I stepped through the threshold of my
bedroom, I heard a voice so very clearly say, "You never tell Me you love
Me." The statement reverberated through my soul. I literally stopped in my
tracks. "Um, Lord...sure I do,” I weakly replied. Imagine me standing in
the doorway arguing with God, my Creator. Really? Although I knew He was
right because He is God, I started replaying my prayers back on a mental loop
looking for anything that would prove my innocence. Thank you, Lord, for your many
blessings. I thank you for your provision. Thank you for your faithfulness. Walk
with me today and lead me. In Jesus' name, I pray. Well, indeed. I never tell You that I love You. Oh,
Father, please forgive me.
Time marches on and
I think I have worked this out. Standing by my daughters’ beds as they each prayed
their bedtime prayers; I am dismayed to realize that they do not say those three
precious words either. Those three little words now seem huge to
me. Okay, Lord. Please, forgive me. I will make a conscious effort to say I
love You because You know in my heart that I do. I do love You and I want my girls to love you, too.
More time passes,
and I have found myself in that stuck position feeling like my prayers would never
ascend higher than my bedroom ceiling. I was in a desperate situation, needing
direction, and hearing nothing. An image flashed in my mind. I saw my heart encompassed
with stone walls. So vividly much like watching a movie, I see
the scenario play out. I scream franticly, “God, I
need You!” God moves toward me, but before He gets to me, I extend my
arms so as not to let Him close. Yet, I cannot figure out why my
Savior feels so far away. He moves closer, my heart fills with anxiety. “I know
You are going to hurt me, too.” I want, I need Jesus, but I keep Him at
arm's length. I desire to be close, but not too close. I want help, but
remotely. I should trust Him, but I do not.
Then, my attention
turned to the song of worship softly playing in another room. The most angelic voice began,
"Captivate my heart. Make it all your own. Melt away my every longing 'til
I am Yours alone. Breathe upon me, Lord. Make my spirit new. Let me know your holy
presence as I worship You." The tears began to trickle down my face as I thought
of the words of David in Psalm 112, "...his heart is steadfast, trusting
in the Lord. His heart is secure, he will have no fear."
The aha!
moment. At one point in my life, I determined to be completely independent of
anyone. I would take charge of my life needing no one. I bought a truck so
I could feel less dependent on a man to do those manly chores for me. But, God, in His loving,
merciful way has brought me to a place in which I have to love, I have to need, and I have to trust. Over the past five years, I have been in a place of
terrifying uncertainty. As a single mother of two small children, I have dealt with a nearly fatal illness, long stretches of unemployment, divorce, dependence on
relatives for shelter, clothing, food, formula, diapers, fuel, not to mention
any of the "extras" like haircuts, Christmas and birthday presents,
and so on. A place of total dependence on the Lord and His provision through
those beautiful people He placed in my life “for such a time as this.” God has
not failed me, yet. He has made Himself known to me as my Provider, my
Comforter, my Shelter, my Deliverer, the Lover of my Soul, and my Friend, my
Savior.
Though I do not always understand His plan for my life completely, I am so thankful He loves me
enough to give me freedom from those debilitating things that have crippled me
for so long. As I continue in my journey, I want to know the true,
unadulterated rest of the Lord that only comes with an honest trust in Him in
every situation, every detail, with every fiber of my being. Total surrender.
Psalm 117 "Praise the Lord, all you nations; extol Him,
all you peoples. For great is His love toward us, and the faithfulness of the
Lord endures forever. Praise the Lord."
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