Skip to main content

Captivate My Heart

Photo by: Jude Beck
When it comes to relationships, the struggle has been real for most of my life. Blindly walking into trap after trap after trap of deception and lies, damaging and painful patterns have thrust me into long periods of utter brokenness because I was not careful or even selective with whom I shared my heart. I could always find something good in that person. I could see their potential and I was going to be the one who would help them tap into that greatness. The innermost cry for love, affection, and acceptance muffled the voice of wisdom screaming in my ears. The result was a ravaged, tattered heart lost in fathomless depths of loneliness and despair and a cavernous, hollow soul.

These are not only romantic relationships to which I refer. "Friends" who wanted to spend time with me when there was no one else available or "friends" who could not understand why I was such a weakling or “friends” who found subtle ways to point out my lowly status so their status would seem elevated. I truly battled feelings of hate for such people and wrestled with an even deeper loathing for myself because I continued in this destructive pattern.  It is highly likely your story is riddled with pain like mine or perhaps even greater than I have endured. We should recognize these are the types of wounds that shake us out of those patterns, make us into better people, or cripple us, and we never move forward. We stay stuck like the man at the pool of Bethesda blaming everyone else for our handicap state. More importantly, we can allow these struggles to either bring us into more intimacy with our Lord or undermine the work He wants to do in our lives.

This may seem like a stretch to think our personal, human relationships can affect our spiritual walk with our Savior. So, I am inviting you into the very private corners of my heart as a living illustration. A few months ago, as I stepped through the threshold of my bedroom, I heard a voice so very clearly say, "You never tell Me you love Me." The statement reverberated through my soul. I literally stopped in my tracks. "Um, Lord...sure I do,” I weakly replied. Imagine me standing in the doorway arguing with God, my Creator. Really? Although I knew He was right because He is God, I started replaying my prayers back on a mental loop looking for anything that would prove my innocence.  Thank you, Lord, for your many blessings. I thank you for your provision. Thank you for your faithfulness. Walk with me today and lead me. In Jesus' name, I pray. Well, indeed. I never tell You that I love You. Oh, Father, please forgive me.

Time marches on and I think I have worked this out. Standing by my daughters’ beds as they each prayed their bedtime prayers; I am dismayed to realize that they do not say those three precious words either. Those three little words now seem huge to me. Okay, Lord. Please, forgive me. I will make a conscious effort to say I love You because You know in my heart that I do. I do love You and I want my girls to love you, too.

More time passes, and I have found myself in that stuck position feeling like my prayers would never ascend higher than my bedroom ceiling. I was in a desperate situation, needing direction, and hearing nothing. An image flashed in my mind. I saw my heart encompassed with stone walls. So vividly much like watching a movie, I see the scenario play out. I scream franticly, “God, I need You!” God moves toward me, but before He gets to me, I extend my arms so as not to let Him close. Yet, I cannot figure out why my Savior feels so far away. He moves closer, my heart fills with anxiety. “I know You are going to hurt me, too.” I want, I need Jesus, but I keep Him at arm's length. I desire to be close, but not too close. I want help, but remotely. I should trust Him, but I do not.

Then, my attention turned to the song of worship softly playing in another room. The most angelic voice began, "Captivate my heart. Make it all your own. Melt away my every longing 'til I am Yours alone. Breathe upon me, Lord. Make my spirit new. Let me know your holy presence as I worship You." The tears began to trickle down my face as I thought of the words of David in Psalm 112, "...his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord. His heart is secure, he will have no fear."

The aha! moment. At one point in my life, I determined to be completely independent of anyone. I would take charge of my life needing no one. I bought a truck so I could feel less dependent on a man to do those manly chores for me. But, God, in His loving, merciful way has brought me to a place in which I have to love, I have to need, and I have to trust. Over the past five years, I have been in a place of terrifying uncertainty. As a single mother of two small children, I have dealt with a nearly fatal illness, long stretches of unemployment, divorce, dependence on relatives for shelter, clothing, food, formula, diapers, fuel, not to mention any of the "extras" like haircuts, Christmas and birthday presents, and so on. A place of total dependence on the Lord and His provision through those beautiful people He placed in my life “for such a time as this.” God has not failed me, yet. He has made Himself known to me as my Provider, my Comforter, my Shelter, my Deliverer, the Lover of my Soul, and my Friend, my Savior.

Though I do not always understand His plan for my life completely, I am so thankful He loves me enough to give me freedom from those debilitating things that have crippled me for so long. As I continue in my journey, I want to know the true, unadulterated rest of the Lord that only comes with an honest trust in Him in every situation, every detail, with every fiber of my being. Total surrender.

Psalm 117 "Praise the Lord, all you nations; extol Him, all you peoples. For great is His love toward us, and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever. Praise the Lord."

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Joseph: Treasure Chest

I've so enjoyed the study of Joseph, thus far.  For me, it has been much like finding a treasure chest, cautiously opening the lid, peering in trying to see everything the chest holds.  Layers upon layers, depths upon depths, discovering and analyzing every part of his life recounted in the Bible like examining small gemstones or more accurately witnessing the most beautiful diamond being formed amidst the ugliest circumstances.  "Natural diamonds are formed about 100 miles beneath the earth's surface where carbon rich rocks are melted by the heat of the earth's mantle, a layer of liquid lava rock, and are compressed by the enormous pressure of the many miles of earth above them. As the earth churns, the heated rock may move upwards away from the heat and cool over time, which can form diamonds if the conditions are just right. It takes hundreds of thousands of years for the process to take place." (ehow.google)  To simplify--high temperature, high pressur...
Post a Comment
Read more

Trees Are Trees

Source Unknown "In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was without form and void, and darkness was on the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters. Then, God said, 'Let there be light'; and there was light." Genesis 1:1-3 Creation was a six-day process that began and ended with the spoken word of God. He created the heavens and the earth, dry land and the seas, vegetation, seed-bearing plants, and trees on fruit-bearing land. He created seasons, living creatures, and man. Our Creator then rested on the seventh day, the day of fulfillment, the completion of His perfect plan. In one of my favorite passages in Genesis, the scripture depicts the scene of the "Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day." Can you picture it? The Creator walking through His very own creation in the early evening enjoying the brilliant, colorful flowers with their fragrance lingering in the air. The reg...
3 comments
Read more

Character Traits

The first of the year is always a time of looking inward--self-evaluation.  The fact is, we all have things that we do not like about ourselves.  Most commonly, we describe them as "character flaws".  Perhaps, we should ask ourselves if these attributes are really flawed or is it more accurate that our use of them is where we err.  Sometimes, I think it is the way we exert these quirks that determine what we do and do not like about ourselves as well as how others view us and how we view them.   Also, keep in mind that an imbalance of these qualities can be taken to the extreme and most certainly become flawed.  Some examples: Determination ® Strong-willed, stubbornness Humility ®  low self-esteem Meekness ® weakness Organized  ® obsessive Leadership skills ® controlling, bossy Most of these idiosyncrasies should be viewed as strengths rather than weaknesses.  In the appropriate settings and...
Post a Comment
Read more