I'm sitting here in my apartment, the only light is the glow of the computer screen, the only sound is the whirl of the dishwasher. I've been thinking about this past year. So many ups and downs. So many possibilities turned to disappointments. Peaks and valleys. The only consistency in my life lately seems to be inconsistency, uncertainty. I've been afraid to smile at something good ahead, thinking when am I going to find out this isn't real? Or, what is this going to cost me? Though I've tried to safeguard myself from certain situations, it is as though I find myself right in the middle of it, again. To me, the only thing worse than reliving the past, is repeating it.
I think of the Israelites...40 years of wandering around the same mountain. Many never made it to the Promised Land. Moses, their leader, only got to see it from afar off. I've been asking God, "How much longer will I continue to walk around this same mountain?" I have been pleading with the Father to please fix whatever is broken inside of me that makes me repeat these same mistakes--that is to say, falling for the same deceptions, the same lines, the same lies, the same traps, the same stumbling blocks, those besetting sins. I've just felt "stuck."
To sum up the past few weeks...kid problems, computer problems, car problems, health problems, financial problems, relationship problems, a friend in trouble, a friend causing trouble, reunited with friends only to lose friends, again. Some of these issues were self-inflicted, some residual issues needing to be resolved, and some just to try to break me, I believe. Take all those things and top them off with a big dose of guilt and utter disgust for my sinful nature. Knowing God as I do, I know these things have come my way to expose those things hidden deep in my heart that must come out so that I may have more of Him and less of me. This cleansing can be an overwhelming process. Even last week, I told my family that I felt like a giant rubber band being stretched and "I'm just waiting on the snap!" Today, I felt like this was it...the end of the proverbial rope. I looked up to Heaven while driving the girls to school and I said, "Okay, God! I've had all I can take. When is enough enough? When will I catch a break before I have a mental one?"
No response from the Heavenlies...no earth-shaking revelation came. Only silence.
I thought the work day would never end. At the daycare where my kids attend, I had the not-so-great pleasure of inflicting discipline on my youngest for her award-winning tantrum in the parking lot. With nerves frayed and a big sigh, I got in the car and headed home. The ride home was less than pleasant--body aching, stressed out, kid screaming in the back seat, tears streaming down my face...God... was all I could whisper. I pulled up and begrudgingly checked the mail knowing it would be full of reminders of unpaid or upcoming bills.
Instead, I heard myself gasp...there it was lying in the neat stack waiting for me...it had been waiting for me all day. All I had to do was unlock the door of the mailbox and open the envelope. The answered petition from the Throne Room. A petition I had been lifting up for years. I wept as I held the gift in my hand, the gift from an unexpected source, God's hand extended. Psalm 145:18-19 tells us "The Lord is near to all who call on Him, to all who call on Him in truth. He fulfills the desire of those who fear Him; He also hears their cry and saves them."
As if that tangible benefaction was not enough to express His love, I began to realize I'm not stuck. As if the veil had been lifted from my eyes, He began to show me progress. Things that would have devastated me before, now only disappoint. Things that might have taken weeks or months to get over, now only take hours or even minutes. Things that I would have taken personally, I've been able to look at with a more balanced viewpoint. I'm not stuck, I am progressing. With His help, I will "strip off every unnecessary weight and that sin which so easily entangles me and I will run with patient endurance the race that is set before me looking to Jesus Who is the perfecter of my faith so that I will not become weary or lose heart." (Hebrews 12:1-3) For without Him, I am nothing.
It is times like these I truly feel that I am His only child and oh, how He loves me! :)
Lamentations 3:22-23 "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness."
I think of the Israelites...40 years of wandering around the same mountain. Many never made it to the Promised Land. Moses, their leader, only got to see it from afar off. I've been asking God, "How much longer will I continue to walk around this same mountain?" I have been pleading with the Father to please fix whatever is broken inside of me that makes me repeat these same mistakes--that is to say, falling for the same deceptions, the same lines, the same lies, the same traps, the same stumbling blocks, those besetting sins. I've just felt "stuck."
To sum up the past few weeks...kid problems, computer problems, car problems, health problems, financial problems, relationship problems, a friend in trouble, a friend causing trouble, reunited with friends only to lose friends, again. Some of these issues were self-inflicted, some residual issues needing to be resolved, and some just to try to break me, I believe. Take all those things and top them off with a big dose of guilt and utter disgust for my sinful nature. Knowing God as I do, I know these things have come my way to expose those things hidden deep in my heart that must come out so that I may have more of Him and less of me. This cleansing can be an overwhelming process. Even last week, I told my family that I felt like a giant rubber band being stretched and "I'm just waiting on the snap!" Today, I felt like this was it...the end of the proverbial rope. I looked up to Heaven while driving the girls to school and I said, "Okay, God! I've had all I can take. When is enough enough? When will I catch a break before I have a mental one?"
No response from the Heavenlies...no earth-shaking revelation came. Only silence.
I thought the work day would never end. At the daycare where my kids attend, I had the not-so-great pleasure of inflicting discipline on my youngest for her award-winning tantrum in the parking lot. With nerves frayed and a big sigh, I got in the car and headed home. The ride home was less than pleasant--body aching, stressed out, kid screaming in the back seat, tears streaming down my face...God... was all I could whisper. I pulled up and begrudgingly checked the mail knowing it would be full of reminders of unpaid or upcoming bills.
Instead, I heard myself gasp...there it was lying in the neat stack waiting for me...it had been waiting for me all day. All I had to do was unlock the door of the mailbox and open the envelope. The answered petition from the Throne Room. A petition I had been lifting up for years. I wept as I held the gift in my hand, the gift from an unexpected source, God's hand extended. Psalm 145:18-19 tells us "The Lord is near to all who call on Him, to all who call on Him in truth. He fulfills the desire of those who fear Him; He also hears their cry and saves them."
As if that tangible benefaction was not enough to express His love, I began to realize I'm not stuck. As if the veil had been lifted from my eyes, He began to show me progress. Things that would have devastated me before, now only disappoint. Things that might have taken weeks or months to get over, now only take hours or even minutes. Things that I would have taken personally, I've been able to look at with a more balanced viewpoint. I'm not stuck, I am progressing. With His help, I will "strip off every unnecessary weight and that sin which so easily entangles me and I will run with patient endurance the race that is set before me looking to Jesus Who is the perfecter of my faith so that I will not become weary or lose heart." (Hebrews 12:1-3) For without Him, I am nothing.
It is times like these I truly feel that I am His only child and oh, how He loves me! :)
Lamentations 3:22-23 "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness."
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