The Journey

The stage is set.  The performers, meticulously selected for their roles, are waiting in the wings.  The house lights go down, blackout, the theatre is dark.  Stage lights go on and it is curtain time. Here I am, center stage with the spotlight directly on me and I am completely oblivious.  There is no script.  I set about my daily activities not realizing there's an audience just a few feet away observing every action taken and every word spoken.  The audience is comprised of all the heavenly hosts and rulers of the darkness.  Everyone, captivated by the events about to unfold on the stage,  looks on in eerie silence. I am startled by the entrance of another player from stage left.  Looks harmless, though.  We become engaged in conversation and I am carried away from the light and into the wings.  Fortunately, I am quickly snatched back to the stage by my children, but my eyes are now peering into the darkness.  What was that?  From stage right, another player enters bringin

"God never made a promise that was too good to be true."  --Dwight L. Moody In preparation for dinner last night, I was busy setting the table, making plates, grabbing flatware and napkins.  My 4-year-old, Carlisle, asked me to change the television station to "her shows."  I said I would as I continued pulling everything together.  Within a few minutes, a very impatient Carlisle was back in the kitchen.  "Mommy, do you remember what you promised?  You forgot.  You said you you would change it to my shows."  Turning toward my anxious daughter, I replied, "Honey, of course, Mommy is going to do what she promised." As I was carrying the plates to the table, the Lord spoke to my spirit, "If you keep your promises to your children, don't you think I will keep mine?" Well, there you go...a tormented soul was instantly quieted. Numbers 23:19  "God is not human, that he should lie, not a human being, that he should change h

Fox Network Photos My ex-husband (that would be hubby #1) told me shortly after we were divorced that he had a dream about me.  I have to tell you this dream has been haunting me for the past few days.  In the dream, he was standing beside this random dumpster.  When he peered inside, I was sitting in the middle of it rummaging through the garbage.  With tears in his eyes, ex-hubby said, "I just had this knowing that this was my fault.  I was the one who put you there."  This now brings to mind an episode of the 1997 television show Ally McBeal .   As the single, neurotic lawyer experiences a much-anticipated date turning into a complete disaster, she envisions herself being catapulted from a dumpster.  "Here it comes..."  I have found myself in the middle of a situation that has brought back that very same feeling.  The feeling of total abandonment.  Again, I find how easily I can be discarded....taken out to the dumpster without a glimpse back in my direction

"Humiliation is the beginning of sanctification. "  --John Donne According to Dictionary.com, to humiliate is to "cause a   painful loss of pride, self-respect, dignity; mortify."  No doubt, everyone has encountered and even fostered this feeling.   I think back over relationships, romantic and not, in which I have humiliated and I have been humiliated.  Situations with good intentions, but in all actuality wrong motives, have brought about much grief and much humiliation. If you've ever felt lower than pond scum, you have felt humiliation.  I think people who experience it the most are those people who care the most, who love the deepest, who yearn for a closeness, for intimacy.  They put themselves "out there" the most only to draw back a stub.  They end up feeling uncared for, unloved, and like there is a gulf between them and the people they most want to touch or the group they long to be a part of.  Recently, I let my guard down.  I cracked

I'm sitting here counting down the minutes...time for worship.  I am amazed how my life has changed over the past couple of years.  There was a time in my life that I did not look forward to Sunday mornings.  I would lie in bed and think of any and every excuse not to go.  This morning was the same scenario.  Only this time, I had a reason to counteract even the thought of not going.  There is no question in my mind about whether or not I'm going.  (The question might be more of what in the world I will wear! Ha!) So, what's so amazing about that?  My heart aches this morning.  My soul feels empty, yet I know my Redeemer lives!  I have a mental picture of walking arm-in-arm with my friend, my confidant.  He is the One Who will never leave me, He will always come back for me, He chose me first.  And Oh, how He loves me! Why wouldn't I want to go worship Him? Psalm 84:2 "My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the LORD; my heart and my flesh cry out f

For the past 1 1/2 hours, I have been lying in my bed at the point of dozing off only to realize that I am still very much awake.  It seems as I'm just about to hit that wonderful dream state my eyes pop open.  The clock says it's only been 15 minutes since the last time I checked.   There isn't one thing in particular that has rendered me Sleepless in Holly Cove .  My mind has run through every possible scenario...everything that has happened, could have happened, and of course, probably will happen. This time of year once seemed so magical to me.  People were happier.  Every house or at least every other house on every block was decorated.  This year, however, hasn't really even seemed like Christmas.  I couldn't wait for the Christmas movies, music, decorations, and lights, lights, lights.  The same Christmas movies are being aired over and over.  Same boy meets girl.  Boy chases girl.  Girl pretends to resist.  Boy gets girl in the end and everyone sings "

reject   rēject  — vb:  to throw out as useless or worthless; discard So many times, I have asked, "God, what is it about me that I can be so easily discarded, so easily forgotten?"  I have often wondered what is it that I'm lacking?  That one thing that would make someone realize I was worth holding on to.  Worth an investment or the time to get to know the person I really am on the inside.  Or do they see that person on the inside and  that is the person that repels others.  Clearly, my love life has been disasterous, but relationships just do not come easily to me, romantic or not.  It is as if I'm right in the middle of the crowd, but yet, I don't really fit. Sometimes, rejection is God-ordained. Remember the story of Moses and the Isrealites. In Exodus 4:21, the Lord tells Moses he would do all of these miracles and wonders, "but I will make him [Pharaoh] stubborn and harden his heart, so that he will not let the people go." Now why would He do

"Brittni, Brittni, look at me. Brittni, open your eyes. Open your eyes. Stay with me." Bright lights, in a corridor. Who's calling my name? Where are they taking me? So tired...so very tired. "Brittni, Brittni..." God, please, don't let me die lost... Lights out. In the waiting room, my husband and mother-in-law were briefed on the severity and emergent nature of my condition.  Consent forms had to be signed permitting a total hysterectomy if the physician's suspicions were true, suspicions of malignancy.  Also, he had to give consent for me to receive blood as I had already lost 3 pints.  The body contains only 8-10 pints so that was considered a significant loss.  My family had already gone back to their hotel, so they had to load those poor kids back up to the hospital for more waiting-room waiting.  When they arrived, I was already in surgery.  It must have been very difficult to deal with stress of uncertainty, occupy small children, and try to

So, today, I am going to have a baby.  I know this little girl already though I was certain she would be a boy. She is constantly moving even now.  I finally get to see what she looks like. I wonder what color her hair will be.  I wonder what kind of mommy I will be... I slept off and on for most of the day.  The slow drip of the IV, the cool temperature in the room, and the lights perfectly dimmed made napping a pleasant experience. Until the epidural stopped working, that is.  The pain had gotten so severe, I began trembling uncontrollably.  There were audible people noises, but I could not concentrate. Then my Mother's beautiful face came into focus. My sisters appeared with my wide-eyed niece and nephew. The curious, yet serious young faces were a sight to behold! Bless them. Their Christmas morning excitement had been undercut by my 6:00 a.m. telephone call.  The evening was turning to nighttime as the whole dramatic scene began to unfold.  The nurses argued about whether i

"Brittni, Brittni, look at me. Brittni, open your eyes. Open your eyes. Stay with me." Dim lights appear overhead as I am being moved through some kind of a corridor. I hear muffled voices and people are moving fast all around me. Who is calling my name? Where are they taking me? I feel so tired. I cannot keep my eyes open.  "Brittni, Brittni, Bri..." Christmas Eve is not at all magical when your home is turned into a secondary site for a terribly busy, very disorganized, and extremely tumultuous catering business. I used to tell my ex-husband the name of the business should be Chaos Catering. He laughed, but secretly agreed. This was not the first Christmas Eve I had to endure the turbulent scurrying of servers, bartenders, and chefs. Food flying on meticulously decorated fine silver platters, wine glasses hurriedly loaded into crates for transport, more food flying...and language that would make a sailor blush. (Sometimes, that was me. Ha!) This year was more d

Inspired by Pastor Jeff Brady , Sermon of 12/12/10. Jeremiah 18:1-4 (NIV) "This is the word that came to Jeremiah from the Lord:  Go down to the potter's house, and there I will give you my message.  So I went down to the potter's house, and I saw him working at the wheel.  But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him." As Pastor Jeff opened his sermon with the reading of this scripture, I began thinking over various events in my life.  I saw my heart, totally and completely "marred in His hands."  Some scars came from things that I could never have been held responsible for; however, so many of the scars are from my own doing.  Angry, rebellious, deliberate decisions, choices.  Self-inflicted wounds  from condemnation and guilt. Many of those wounds came from taking responsibility for the actions of other people.  "Well, he didn't stay because I w

So, I sat down tonight with the intention of paying my respects to my Dad who would have celebrated a birthday today.  When I wrote the title, however, I felt the Lord turn me in a different direction.  He's telling me to literally rest in peace.  His peace... Often times, we become enveloped by the circumstances around us.  We look at the storm rather than looking to the One Whom "even the winds and the waves obey."  (Mark 4:41)  I have been so caught up in the wind and the waves that I thought I would surely sink.  I have felt as though my spirit has been literally gasping for another breath.  I have been treading water, bobbing for air.  During this time, I have discovered I want to run back to "fixes" of a former life.  I'm not necessarily referring to alcohol per se, but I'm referring more to the old way of doing things.  By that I mean, I'm trying to control uncontrollable situations, or trying to relieve an inner aching with something of no

Well, the past few days have been...interesting.  Through various unrelated situations, I've realized just how much I want to be validated.  That is to say, I want approval! Everyone wants to know they are liked or loved or valued.  I want to take this a step further, though.  Let's go a little deeper. I always thought "approval addicts" were those who couldn't do anything without applause.  If a good deed was done, it was more for the recognition rather than the act of kindness for another person and that may be true in that situation.  However, I have come to notice that I have let certain things in my life determine my worth, my effectiveness.  Today, I stand corrected! The first chapter of Ephesians tells us that God the Father foreordained us, even before the foundation of the world, to be His adopted child.  The amplified translation states  we were actually handpicked, destined, and planned "in accordance with the purpose of His will [because it pl

I find myself at a critical juncture in my life.  Some things are changing.  Some things must change.  Some things haven't changed at all and may never change.  It's decision time.  I'm standing at the crossroads.  If I take this road, does it really lead to the place I think it does?  Is the destination real or is it a mirage?  Will I have to make another u-turn, more backtracking? So, let's go to Scripture:  Psalm 119:105   "Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path." Psalm 119:133 "Direct my footsteps according to your word; let no sin rule over me."  Proverbs 16:9 "In their hearts humans plan their course, but the LORD establishes their steps." Proverbs 19:21 "Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails." Okay, Lord, so where are we going? Lead the way...